Triggered? Do this:
You know the feeling. Someone says something, or does something that leaves you feeling, well, not your best. In its mildest form, we may not even clock it, but it still leaves us feeling out of sorts. We loose our peace. At its strongest form, it's downright hurtful/ offensive/ untrue/ maddening. Sometimes it's accidental. Sometimes it's deliberate and unkind. So how do we respond and recover?
Some time ago I saw some of my leaders having a meeting that I didn't know about. Now I know, love & trust these guys, and don't consider myself particularly insecure, but there was something about them discussing something that I was unaware of, that made me feel slightly uneasy. An internal dialogue started about what could be happening, and I felt a little vulnerable. I had been "triggered". It can happen a million different ways.
In fact I suspect many people spend much time a bit upset and offended, often totally unknowingly. Just look at the faces in the marketplace and overhear the conversations of complaints. Blame narratives, whether it's about the weather, prices or politicians, reveal a victim mentality that externalises inner soul dis-ease and projects it onto "them".
And we all say "Well I don't do that!", but we do. At some level, at some place. Why? Because this world has fallen from the way it was meant to be, and pain & suffering are everywhere. Even the most confident can find themselves in situations where their confidence is shaken. Even Superman has his Kryptonite. And for most people there can be times where we’re triggered and a negative internal dialogue is started that vies to take over: whether it's anxiety, inferiority, rejection, failure or a thousand other things. Unchecked, low self-esteem and depression can follow.
There are 7 steps that will revolutionise this narrative. Do them & you will live happier, and be far easier to be around:
1. Catch it. This is really key. Be self-aware. Monitor your feelings. Notice that something has been said or done that has left you feeling a bit worse. Try and work out what triggered you. Sometimes it's patently obvious: someone's just been hurtful to you! But sometimes it can be subtle: you'll have to think through what has just happened and why you're feeling out of sorts. Praying and asking God can really help.
2. Thank God in advance. Change the narrative from "I wish that hadn't happened" to "I can partner with heaven to bring something good out of what was bad. I will be better off, not worse off."
3, Ask: Is this pressing on a bruise? Sometimes it's not. It's just a nasty incident that would upset anyone. But if it seems to upset you more than it may others, it's worth asking yourself: "When did I feel like this before? When did it first happen?" We are formed in our formative years, and unprocessed pain from the playground and hurt from the home, can replay throughout our lives. If we don't deal with our stuff, our stuff will deal with us. You're not responsible for what's just been said or done, but you are responsible for your own psychological well being. Getting healing from your past is the only way to have freedom in your future. And denial isn't healing!
So give the pain to God. Be real about how it feels but remember He feels our pain, stores every tear in his bottle, and give him all the disappointment, fear, sadness and frustration. Let it go, knowing He understands, cares and longs to bring healing.
4. Ask: Am I partnering with the accusation? Despite your protestation that the words or accusations (that triggered you) are untrue and unfair, is there a bit of you inside that's secretly agreeing with them? Even a false narrative has strands of truth and it's these that give it authority. You must renounce the lie, even though it contains some truth, even a lot of truth. Did you know that 98% of rat poison is just great for rats! You must break partnership with the lie, otherwise it will have a lodging place in your mind and will seek to take up residency!
5. Ask God: "What's your truth?" Does God see you in the negative light that the third party, or your feelings, or the oppression, would portray you in? Jesus said that "[The Devil] is a liar and the father of lies". Getting God's perspective on your situation is vital. The Bible teaches us that the believer is adored by God, free from condemnation, shame and guilt, wanted, not rejected, precious, not worthless, a success not a failure. If you're not confidently radiating God's affirmation, maybe you haven't imbibed enough of His narrative yet! Getting this revelation WILL shift your emotions.
6. Forgive/ Address/ Reconcile Don't do this too early as a knee-jerk Christian duty. If it's a big offence, then recognising its enormity and its effect on you, makes the forgiveness real, and not trite. But forgiving those who have hurt us isn't a suggestion, but a life-dependent necessity. We have to forgive. As a choice. Because only forgiveness cuts the strands that would pull us down to the pit.
The situation will determine whether this is a private thing for you, or whether some addressing and reconciliation is necessary.
7. Resume your position in Christ In Jn 10:10, Jesus says: "the thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life and have it in abundance." Being triggered will set you down a negative path. Jesus' desire for you is to have abundant life. Resume your position: confident, loved & powerful! If you can do this, it will be like a cloud has passed over, and you’re back in the sun again, smiling on the inside! And you can live life like that, but it may take some practice!
As for my incident, it was nothing to do with my leader's meeting, but an event from decades previously: my friends had met to discuss bedroom sharing allocation at boarding school.. and excluded me. Thankfully I caught it and processed it like this. And that made all the difference. Try it, it works!